Hey friends! Grab a cup of coffee, or maybe a stiff drink, because I’m about to get real with you. No cringe, no pity party, and definitely no sappy monologues—just a true story about being dumb in love in your twenties and how I navigated my way through the mess. If you’re single, in a questionable relationship, or searching for love, this one’s for you. Especially if you’re the idealist, the loyal-to-a-fault type, or the one who thinks they’re not worthy of love. Spoiler alert: you are worthy. But let’s dive in.
The Power of Choice
Before we get into the juicy details, let’s talk about choice. We all have the power of choice. Yes, circumstances can suck, and people can be awful, but we decide how long we play the victim before owning our choices and moving forward. My story is vulnerable, but I’m sharing it for anyone looking for an excuse or a sign to leave any relationship that feels wrong.
Enter Rocky
Let’s call him Rocky. Rocky was abusive. Yes, he had good qualities—or so I thought—otherwise, I wouldn’t have dated him. But to understand why I stayed with Rocky, we need to discuss self-esteem.
Graduation and Self-Esteem
After grad school, I landed a great job teaching acting and theatre at a college. But three months before that, I had no clue what my future held. I worked with the CDC Freedom School program over the summer (shout out to my friend K for the recommendation) and reluctantly dipped my toes into the Minneapolis social scene. I’m an introvert. Like, hardcore. I love people—from a distance.
Back in town after three years, I didn’t do the whole UMN Twin Cities thing (IYKYK). I was in Duluth, then Irvine, and then the pandemic hit. I thought, why not take a stab at social life again? I was going to need friends while I was here.
Enter Igbo Boy
So, I went out with new friends, saw old friends, and struggled with my confidence as I searched for a job. Enter Igbo Boy. He was rich, baby. Great job, a little short, but handsome. My new friends told me he was a great catch. I had a feeling he wasn’t my type but thought, why not? We went out a couple of times. It was fun to live the lux social life for a little while, but I am socially awkward, a homebody, and salt of the earth type of girl. It didn't take long to recognize that it wasn't a great match.
The Red Flags
Now, one thing about me: I’m truthful and transparent. When we started dating, I told him I just got back from California and needed time to get settled and figure out what I really wanted before taking anything seriously. I said, I'm still interested in seeing other people, but if we're still at it in six months then let's give it a real try. In the meantime, let’s try to be friends. He said he didn’t have any female friends. Red flag.
The Confidence Plunge
Time went by, and he got more upset that I didn’t view him as the catch he and others thought he was. So, I said we should go our separate ways. Of course, we kept seeing each other, but I noticed he started treating me differently, like he wanted to bring me down a peg. Eventually, he said the most horrible thing to me that anyone has ever said: "You could never be an executive’s wife." Pause. I think some people might not understand why saying, "You could never be an executive's wife," is so problematic, so let me explain.
First, saying "you could never" is highly presumptuous. It assumes knowledge about someone's future and abilities without basis. Second, it suggests that only certain types of women are capable of fitting into a very narrow and specific role. Third, it implies that being an "executive's wife" is an ideal for any woman, valuing the role of being the wife of an executive over being an executive herself. Lastly, it falsely assumes that the person in question is actually an executive, which was not the case.
I was stunned. I tend to be slow to react, so it usually takes me quite a while to fully grasp when I've been insulted. But this time, I understood immediately. Things ended quickly after that.
Enter Rocky (Again)
Six months passed, and I had my nice new job and a few side hustles. I was feeling much better about myself. The curse Igbo Boy put in my psyche was still marinating, but I thought, I’m in a good place, so let’s try dating again. I was determined to find my man and thought the only way out of singleness was through the minefield of dating. Date after date, talking stage after talking stage, and then it started to seep in. Is something wrong with me? Was Igbo Boy right? My self-esteem and confidence plummeted.
The Florida Fiasco
Enter Rocky. Sweet, smart, hardworking, and a clear leader in his pack. From day one, he wanted to be with me and wasn’t shy about letting me know. But his actions didn’t match his words. Three months in, he brought me on a road trip to Florida with his friend, let’s call her JP. I thought this was going to be one of those fun friendship memories, but things went south quickly.
The Red Flags in Full Force
He scammed his way into hotels, drank heavily, flirted with other women, and made others in the group uncomfortable. I’m generous in love and figured he would cover some of the costs of the trip, but he ended up taking my credit card and acting like it was his personal expense account. That was the first time he got aggressive with me when I confronted him about his use of my hard-earned payola.
Other red flags? He always drank a lot, worked in "sales", drove my car around, and didn’t have a house of his own. I felt bad for him and fell for his sob story because I was "in love" and thought love was a willingness to put another person before yourself.
The Final Straw
Eventually, we broke up after a frightening incident where he threatened me in my own apartment. This happened not too long ago, and it profoundly changed me. I'm sharing this because I want to help you recognize the signs and avoid ending up in a similar situation.
The Signs
1. Forcing a Timeline
Don't pressure yourself into being ready for a relationship just because it seems like the right time. Society often creates expectations about when we should achieve certain milestones, such as getting into a serious relationship. However, it’s important to listen to your own needs and readiness rather than adhering to external pressures. Take your time to understand what you truly want in a partner and a relationship. Rushing into something before you’re ready can lead to settling for less than you deserve or overlooking potential issues.
2. Ignoring Red Flags
Pay close attention to your gut feelings and early warning signs. Red flags are often apparent early in a relationship but can be easy to ignore if you’re swept up in the excitement of new romance. Trust your instincts—if something feels off, it probably is. Common red flags include controlling behavior, excessive jealousy, disrespect, and a lack of empathy. Acknowledge these signs early on and address them. If the issues persist, it’s important to consider whether this relationship is healthy for you.
3. Lack of Communication
Maintain open and honest communication with the people in your life. It's crucial to talk about your relationship with trusted friends and family, especially if you’re experiencing problems. Don’t put up a front that everything is fine when it’s not. Honest conversations can provide you with support and perspective that you might not be able to see on your own. Effective communication with your partner is also essential. If you can’t discuss your feelings, concerns, and needs openly, the relationship may not be sustainable.
Additional Tips:
Set Boundaries: Establish and maintain healthy boundaries from the beginning. Know what you’re comfortable with and make sure your partner respects your limits.
Know Yourself: Spend time getting to know yourself and what you want out of life and relationships. Self-awareness can help you identify what is and isn’t acceptable in a partner.
Self-Respect: Always prioritize your own well-being and respect yourself enough to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t treat you right.
Seek Advice: Don’t hesitate to seek advice from mentors or counselors if you’re unsure about your relationship. They can provide valuable insights and help you navigate complex emotions.
By taking these steps, you can help ensure that your relationships are healthy and fulfilling, and avoid the pitfalls of toxic dynamics.
More Red Flags from Research
According to psychologists, common signs of toxic relationships include:
- Manipulation: Subtle or overt efforts to control you.
- Isolation: Cutting you off from friends and family.
- Gaslighting: Making you doubt your reality.
- Excessive Jealousy: Unjustified suspicion and possessiveness.
Conclusion
I’m not sharing this to get pity. I chose to be with Rocky because of low self-esteem. I was with a guy who told me "I could never be an executive’s wife" when I was just finding my footing as a professional. My confidence was shot, and this person took advantage of me while I was at my lowest. I'm writing this so you can spot the signs and run.
Remember, you are absolutely worthy of love—the kind of love that lifts you up, respects your boundaries, and makes you feel cherished. Think of this as your big sister giving you a gentle nudge: choose better, value yourself, and know when it's time to walk away from anything less than you deserve. You deserve nothing but the best, and I believe in you. You’ve got this!
Love,
C4C
P.S. Do you have stories of your own? Share them with me here by becoming a member or reach out to us on Instagram or Facebook.
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